10-24-2013, 08:38 AM
(10-24-2013, 02:34 AM)SirBrendan Wrote: I've no idea what was just said. I mean, Ive got this bizarre image of rotting fruits and flowers and then it's clashed with the oxymoron "this cynical nectar of hope". Is the nectar hopeful or cynical? It can't really be both. Really though, I've just no clue what the metaphors are alluding to.It's supposed to be oxymoronic.
I think you became subject to a really common problem, and what I definitely suffer from, where you got trapped by wanting to fit as many fun words as possible that you forgot what you were trying to say (or remembered, but were distracted).
There's some editing issues as well:
"pull us out & place us en
it make look humble & simple "
Sorry if the comments seem too harsh. I think you've the potential to make some great stuff, but this ain't it. My advice for improvement would be just to strip out all the flowers and get back to the heart. Make an extremely simple poem, and then once you've the message ad imagery locked down then you can dance it up with the big words and meter/structure
Thanks though.
This is transcendental stream of consciousness stuff.
The message is in the image.
A kind of formula.
Learning how to live gracefully from life's patterns big and small.
en (n)
n.
1. The letter n.
2. Printing A space equal to half the width of an em.
make was supposed to may though good lookin out
Did you get anything positive from it?