tarnish (My first poem)

[milo]

For a first poem it is pretty good. There is some awkwardness and a little wordiness and the line breaks an periods in the last strophe are messed up but it is a nice start.

Thank you; I employed periods in the last stanza to give a sense of resolve, emphasis even.

ok, that didn't work at all, it just reads poorly written instead

Any specifics as far as the awkward and wordiness?

with window shut and sunlight scattered
and the motes,
they settle
compact and cramped is this cage