10-22-2013, 08:57 AM
Hi tectak,
Thanks for the feedback! I've revised the poem below, but I have a tendency to be quite inept when it comes to punctuating poetry, so I'm not exactly sure that it has improved for the better.
Not sure what you meant when you said drop the adieu – like, remove all of it altogether? I feel as though it is integral to the meaning and sentiment of the poem; I'm trying convey a wistful longing for a mystic, romantic past, which is reflected by the use of the Old French “goodbye”. The speaker attempts to forcibly bring back remnants of the past by applying the traditional language of love in an environment pervaded by modernity. That, and I feel as though replacing might disrupt the flow of the poem. That said, if you had any suggestions as to what else might be appropriate there, feel free to broach them. I'm always happy to try new things, I'm just not sure where to start!
Cement Jungle (revised)
We were lovers,
who danced in fields
of murky grey,
who forgot that night,
if you stood far
enough away
from the streetlight,
could emulate
the sweetness of day.
That was our life,
who, as dreamers
born to a world
already discovered
by the forefathers
of our past,
could do nothing more,
and say nothing more,
than a simple –
Adieu,
Adieu,
Adieu!
to that starry shore
that we once knew.
Thanks for the feedback! I've revised the poem below, but I have a tendency to be quite inept when it comes to punctuating poetry, so I'm not exactly sure that it has improved for the better.
Not sure what you meant when you said drop the adieu – like, remove all of it altogether? I feel as though it is integral to the meaning and sentiment of the poem; I'm trying convey a wistful longing for a mystic, romantic past, which is reflected by the use of the Old French “goodbye”. The speaker attempts to forcibly bring back remnants of the past by applying the traditional language of love in an environment pervaded by modernity. That, and I feel as though replacing might disrupt the flow of the poem. That said, if you had any suggestions as to what else might be appropriate there, feel free to broach them. I'm always happy to try new things, I'm just not sure where to start!
Cement Jungle (revised)
We were lovers,
who danced in fields
of murky grey,
who forgot that night,
if you stood far
enough away
from the streetlight,
could emulate
the sweetness of day.
That was our life,
who, as dreamers
born to a world
already discovered
by the forefathers
of our past,
could do nothing more,
and say nothing more,
than a simple –
Adieu,
Adieu,
Adieu!
to that starry shore
that we once knew.