Novalis: A Tribute

[Leanne]

second revision

I.

Not long after his final song played out
his friends and colleagues put him down in turn:
as if his Hymns left them no room to doubt,
that Night was nothing fit for one to yearn.
Like frost, their whispers clung to mortared walls
of Academe, where icy forms congealed
in Reason’s shape, throughout each of the halls
stifling such warmth his Heart never concealed. -- this line is off-meter to my reading in a few places -- my immediate suggestion is "and stifled warmth his Heart had not concealed".
Yet though Sophia’s absence stirred his grief,
the hollow left behind made space to grow:
with wisdom’s pretense shed for true belief,
that often, men must feel what they can’t know.
And so his fertile tears fallowed the earth, -- interesting inversion of the usual order of things -- I like the use of "fallowed" as a verb
from which such azure blossoms came to birth! -- personally I'd take out the exclamation point, which seems a bit overwrought -- although it is a tribute to a fairly emotional chap, so it's obviously your call. "such" might need a bit of rethinking though -- perhaps "bright"?

II.

I struggle to envision him beside
her grave: a scene that seems from out of time! -- again, exclamation point seems a step too far
And ask those who fancy themselves allied, -- off-meter -- perhaps "and ask of those who think themselves allied"?
with Logos, if they could do more than mime – -- why the dash?
his words, which cast for us a silhouette,
whose backlight penetrates the wasteland through, -- "through" is already implied by "penetrate" and it's clearly here just for the rhyme -- personally I'd rethink this line for that reason
and offers all who’d listen a vignette:
the glowing glimpse of an epoch more true. -- I'm not keen on "an" as the stressed syllable here
Amid the sparks of all such remembrance, -- "remembrance" becomes quite forced because of its placement in the line
that glimm’ring day of mourning comes to me:
as did his poet’s eye permit entrance, -- and rhyming "entrance" with "remembrance" is just off -- it's a sight-rhyme at best, and really out of place with the rest of your quite perfect rhymes. These lines may need revising.
to Night, that shrouded her in mystery.
In Death, his devotion took him above, -- "devotion" falls off-meter unless it's forced, and that's not fun -- perhaps "devotion, in his death, took him above"
as wind to feather, so fierce was his love.

Hi James,

I've never been a fan of the German romantics, since I've always found them a bit overwrought (perhaps not surprisingly, it's the same reason I dislike most of the American confessional poets) -- however, I am a fan of a good tribute, and I do think this has the makings of such. I enjoy the fact that you have not emulated Novartis' style but have blended certain elements with your own to make an entirely new poem.

I fear that as something of a sonnet connoisseur I cannot help but find fault with the execution. I feel confident that attention to technique will enhance this piece greatly.