10-17-2013, 05:10 AM
Visitor from cold heaven,
Silence frequents these woods.
Slowly creeping through the creek-bed
and hiding in the needles on the spruce branches
that spasm in moving air, she haunts.
Cool, clouded sunlight brings her today
to tread among the wilted ferns.
Rapturing for a moment even the sparrows and squirrels,
who should be rooting in the crumpled leaves for nuts
and seeds before winter,
she passes gently through the nearby shoots.
Then, approaching with an otherworldly smile,
she touches me,
sweetly dissolving every burden from my mind:
every repulsion, delusion,
and drive for worldly gain
replacing with utter stillness.
I like the first two sections, not overly thrilled with the third. It says what I'm trying to get across, but I don't think it says it well. Any advice is much appreciated.
Silence frequents these woods.
Slowly creeping through the creek-bed
and hiding in the needles on the spruce branches
that spasm in moving air, she haunts.
Cool, clouded sunlight brings her today
to tread among the wilted ferns.
Rapturing for a moment even the sparrows and squirrels,
who should be rooting in the crumpled leaves for nuts
and seeds before winter,
she passes gently through the nearby shoots.
Then, approaching with an otherworldly smile,
she touches me,
sweetly dissolving every burden from my mind:
every repulsion, delusion,
and drive for worldly gain
replacing with utter stillness.
I like the first two sections, not overly thrilled with the third. It says what I'm trying to get across, but I don't think it says it well. Any advice is much appreciated.