10-17-2013, 03:27 AM
For me, the poem doesn't work at all for a number of reasons.
1. The narrator clearly knows nothing about either insanity or suicide (so little that he actually confuses the two when they really have nothing to do with each other). I think the problem is one of execution. the author needs to study these subjects more before he can write a plausible poem on either, until then, his narrator just won't be believable.
2. Execution. the author is betting too much on the subject of the poem being powerful and not bothering to focus on poetic devices - most importantly word choice and originality leaving us with a rather dull statement on a subject the author finds important for some reason. the result is a trivializing of the subject matter.
3. Cliche and hackneyed phrasing - "soul's eyes bleeding" is one of the worst phrases I have ever read and i have read a /lot/. "The heart in me" (??!!) As opposed to the heart in someone else or the heart outside of you?
4. once again, all of the abstraction. You are going to have to work on learning to write poetry without leaning on abstraction so much. i would suggest you try a couple practice exercises where you don't use a single abstraction. if I am not clear, abstractions are nouns that represent ideas rather than physical things. (thoughts, suicide, time, ride, descent, insanity, heart, feeling, weeping, screaming, release, rage, soul, release)
1. The narrator clearly knows nothing about either insanity or suicide (so little that he actually confuses the two when they really have nothing to do with each other). I think the problem is one of execution. the author needs to study these subjects more before he can write a plausible poem on either, until then, his narrator just won't be believable.
2. Execution. the author is betting too much on the subject of the poem being powerful and not bothering to focus on poetic devices - most importantly word choice and originality leaving us with a rather dull statement on a subject the author finds important for some reason. the result is a trivializing of the subject matter.
3. Cliche and hackneyed phrasing - "soul's eyes bleeding" is one of the worst phrases I have ever read and i have read a /lot/. "The heart in me" (??!!) As opposed to the heart in someone else or the heart outside of you?
4. once again, all of the abstraction. You are going to have to work on learning to write poetry without leaning on abstraction so much. i would suggest you try a couple practice exercises where you don't use a single abstraction. if I am not clear, abstractions are nouns that represent ideas rather than physical things. (thoughts, suicide, time, ride, descent, insanity, heart, feeling, weeping, screaming, release, rage, soul, release)