Suicide

[tectak]

These are the thoughts of a man,
Destined for suicide.
I've been waiting a long time
in this line to ride this ride.
The descent to insanity
Is thrashing and trashing
The heart in me.
Every cut runs deep.
The caged inside feelng,
Keeps my soul's eyes bleeding,
From weeping and screaming
For release.
The rage of this beast,
Locked in this cage
With no sight of keys
Except with flesh busting at the seams,
Upon death, my soul's release..

Intricate B

Hi int,
Well, It's shallow. Not a succinct portrayal of the emotions expressed by most suicide pretenders. I'm sure there are things that can be loosened up a bit and I can put my finger on what they may be. It lacks that extended weariness that the words of a truly suicidal soul indicate. Lack of control, bizarre irrationalities expressed as simple truths, negativety, unconsolable anger/remorse. You need to let it free. In the beginning it is starting and it gets really impending er...towards the end. I think the second line feels oddly relevant, and I can tell that you thought this one through; just the "except with flesh" reads a bit odd as a likely alternative to the sight of keys.Overall, I don't like your take on it, though. You should see mine titled ' Suicide 191,213,348' .Its darker than yours but I think you might find the comparison a bit intriguing...if I live long enough to write it.
Oh, and there is no justification whatsoever for capitalising every line...it indicates schoolboy english class more than impending suicide

Best,
tectak