Suicide

[Erthona]

I have worked with many suicidal people, and this strikes me as a bit to energetic to ring completely true, although it does ring fairly true for those who use the threat of suicide as a form of manipulation. I am distinguishing between those people who did something that probably should have killed them, yet didn't, and those who did something that had virtually no chance of succeeding.
For me, what you have written seems more like teenage angst. Such lines as:

"The descent to insanity
Is thrashing and trashing
The heart in me."

Seem melodramatic. That may be primarily because you tell, rather than show this, as I think there is very little way to tell about the internal dialogue that will not seems melodramatic.

I guess the major point for me is this just has way to much energy for someone who is going to commit suicide. Generally when someone expresses this much rage, they are homicidal, and tend to use the idea of suicide as a form of manipulation, or as a way to cause someone pain.

I'm not saying that this is not genuine, I'm just saying the way you are presenting this causes the perception to seem non-genuine.

Dale