Room at the Inn

[Nick]

"They were crowding the doorway"
I would prefer "They are crowding the doorway" because from then on we switch to present tense.
-Jenn

Yes. As I was writing the piece I saw what you are referring to. I am going over it to get the time sense changes lined up.

Thanks.

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They were crowding the doorway.
Mistake. What kind of mistake? A fatal one. It slowed their ingress and let the defender take them at his leisure.

Headsize stone block construction.
Opening not quite two man wide.

One of them angles right side forward with a spear thrust as the other broad face struggles through beside him.
Doesn't have his sword out- needs to get beyond the archway first. Not really sure where this imagery is supposed to be going See first comment.

I center step towards them with a backhanded Ground to Sky cut.
(Just had this scimitar sharpened- need to steer clear of brick and steel) This past line is more telling than showing Fast becoming an albatross of my art.

Slice through the pike man's left wrist, nick the wood pole shaft and gash the right inside forearm to the bone. wood pole shaft, I think you could lose pole or shaft and it will still have the same message You may be correct.

Glittering red sprinkles the air as my right hand turns clockwise. Kind of a pretty approach to describing gore and blood, interesting This may be the only line in the entire piece that qualifies as approaching poetry.

Heaven to Hell cut.

Mister Number Two splits open diagonal from collarbone to hip.
His hand is still on his hilt.
Very still.

I step aside as the spurtin' pair pass by.

A few days behind on the rent and they send goons to collect.

Man, times are sure gettin' hard. Not the strongest wording/way to end this poem

I could say it is an attempt at understatement but it is simply the nailer.

I was brought here by the title, I was curious, and this poem definitely did not match what I have pre-visioned, which is good. For me, part of the poem almost strayed away from the overall message, and didn't fully stay on track with the subject matter.

"Move in and out of the boundries" Buckminster Fuller

Thanks for your comments. It is always education like to see how a piece is accessed.