Clean Bearings (edited)

[ChristopherSea]

*sobs despondently*

I'm thinking this might need a total re-work done on it. I was trying to work in a sense of despair, using something physical (a skateboard wearing down over time) to relate to a mental state doing the same thing, but I don't think I'm achieving that. You're totally right though, this does sound more than a little melodramatic. I think the confusion from the object itself being niche knowledge is preventing anyone from seeing past it.

bleh. I shall have to sleep on it, then return in the morning with a pair of scissors and a red pen, see if I can't salvage something good.

I would stick with your metaphor of anguish, as it relates to your skateboarding hobby and practice. Perhaps, don't wory so much about pleasing every reader, but more importanlty satisfy yourself. Your first stanza had me wondering what was to follow, but could be stonger to rope me in. The most effective stanzas that achieve your goal (at least for me) were stanzas two and four. The other stanzas are more technical than emotive. Taking another look, one possible edit is to place S1 after S3, thereby opening with your strongest stanza (S2). Then swop S4 for S5 to close stronger as well, like so:


Today, as you stuttered over sidewalk cracks,
the pavement revealed through the chips in your deck,
each passing pebble seemed a layer of gravel, each turn
a rusty centrifuge yanking you further
away from your teetering grip on control.

The edge of a razor blade lifts the little cap
red plastic revealing a chain of rolling orbs beneath
squeeze out a drop or two, let it drip down and oil
the spinning circles; add the cover, grab another,
pry it open and repeat.

Thick grease smears across your fingertips,
sticking to the surface and filling up the ridges;
wad a paper towel, clean away what you can,
the rest'll smear across your forehead when you
wipe your face yet again.

Line up the spacers and press down on the wheel
little silver circles sliding back into their places
spin it down the axel and tighten til it catches
on your wrench, adjusting for speed and checking
that each one rotates in time.

It's a temporary freedom, slowly drying
as each hurdle and bump causes metal to grind
in a ticking decay, wearing down the smoothness of spiral
rails that guided you, suspended,
through the eerie tune of a concrete-bound bird.

Yes, I think this is more effective, opening and closing with your strongest stanzas, grouping your technical ones and placing you biggest image in the middle. Of course, you probably have to do some fine tweeking, See what you think. Cheers/Chris