10-14-2013, 03:41 PM
@jdeirmend
I really love your review, thankyou!
You know, this is wonderful. Have you read Baudelaire? This is what Baudelaire is all about. He views humanity as totally elapsed in evil, succumbed to Satan who 'pulls the strings', and he loves it - and I'm really glad I was able to show this in the poem. I have no idea how you managed to get that, but, yes, that's a big thing at play.
You don't know how much of a compliment that is to me! Oh! My post-modern soul is shaking at such a comment. Thankyou!
Yes. I like this, because it implies that I disagree with Baudelaire. He saw lesbian love as despair, and you are saying I am saying: no, it is immortal poetry! And I like that. Here I am, the 21st century fresh-faced lesbian, locked in a dialogue over sexuality with Baudelaire. Thanks for the crit, friend, I appreciate it.
@FractalPacifist
You hero! You legend! Yes! You have completely identified the problem I have been having with this poem. The meter completely slips off. I hate that line about 'dead chivalry and Sappho's ghost' and I couldn't tell why. I thought maybe the wording was trite, but, no - it is the weakest part of the poems rhythm. I absolutely agree that 'towards new girls' wavers and needs to be picked up, but never does, now that I look at it with your eyes.
I have never edited a poems meter before so this will be a challenge to me. Can you recommend what rhythm would be best? Try and fit it into anapests the rest of the way, with a trochee when necessary? That seems to be the rhythm of the first half. DROWN me in thy WINE, baudeLAIRE! we will DRINK to the SPLEEN and the IDEAL! That's really strong, I think - even though it's messy, -eal slithers off, feminine, but that's fine. It's a dirty old working class Paris sex work poem, it's meant to be messy. If the rest of it kept up that force it would be - yes, yes. Thankyou so much, FractalPacifist.
Also, that image is exactly what I was going for, thankyou
I really love your review, thankyou!
Quote:This seems to me in direct opposition to a "good and faithful" nostalgia for an Edenic time-prior-to-time. It rather comes off as a pining for what came immediately after the Fall: humanity, mortality, the sacrament of embodiment, of gustatory and sensual pleasures, of all manner of human wretchedness and brokenness.
You know, this is wonderful. Have you read Baudelaire? This is what Baudelaire is all about. He views humanity as totally elapsed in evil, succumbed to Satan who 'pulls the strings', and he loves it - and I'm really glad I was able to show this in the poem. I have no idea how you managed to get that, but, yes, that's a big thing at play.
Quote:There is a certain anti-Platonism
You don't know how much of a compliment that is to me! Oh! My post-modern soul is shaking at such a comment. Thankyou!
Quote:Does this posit some sort of paradoxical identity between the idealizing, banal prosody of heterosexual courtly love, and the delicate, immortal poetry of female homosexuality?
Yes. I like this, because it implies that I disagree with Baudelaire. He saw lesbian love as despair, and you are saying I am saying: no, it is immortal poetry! And I like that. Here I am, the 21st century fresh-faced lesbian, locked in a dialogue over sexuality with Baudelaire. Thanks for the crit, friend, I appreciate it.
@FractalPacifist
You hero! You legend! Yes! You have completely identified the problem I have been having with this poem. The meter completely slips off. I hate that line about 'dead chivalry and Sappho's ghost' and I couldn't tell why. I thought maybe the wording was trite, but, no - it is the weakest part of the poems rhythm. I absolutely agree that 'towards new girls' wavers and needs to be picked up, but never does, now that I look at it with your eyes.
I have never edited a poems meter before so this will be a challenge to me. Can you recommend what rhythm would be best? Try and fit it into anapests the rest of the way, with a trochee when necessary? That seems to be the rhythm of the first half. DROWN me in thy WINE, baudeLAIRE! we will DRINK to the SPLEEN and the IDEAL! That's really strong, I think - even though it's messy, -eal slithers off, feminine, but that's fine. It's a dirty old working class Paris sex work poem, it's meant to be messy. If the rest of it kept up that force it would be - yes, yes. Thankyou so much, FractalPacifist.
Also, that image is exactly what I was going for, thankyou