10-13-2013, 06:00 AM
I can't stop feeling a tickling feel,
The comma is questionable. It's not really necessary, but if you think it works best, I won't press you. It's questionable, not necessarily wrong.
when you come outta blistering cold
and come closer until your nose is pressed
against mine.
Where or if you want a comma up there, you decide.
And I find it kinda funny when you flicker
with your roe deer black, eyes.
And this comma.
And my wild instrument pressed against my chest
assists me with it's raw sound not to ever
The it's/its switch.
forget that look that you sometimes have;
when you're at peace.
This semicolon. But then again, you're searching for rhythm. Though there are better ways.
Often, it makes me moody when you are melancholic,
but I'm always there.
Usually, I can't stop feeling that I'm falling in something
that I had forgotten about a great long time ago.
Now, your smile just makes me wake up at night,
just to dream about you while I'm awake.
There are things that need to be straightened out here. I plan on looking at it a few more times and straightening it out for myself. Then maybe I can say more sensible things.
The comma is questionable. It's not really necessary, but if you think it works best, I won't press you. It's questionable, not necessarily wrong.
when you come outta blistering cold
and come closer until your nose is pressed
against mine.
Where or if you want a comma up there, you decide.
And I find it kinda funny when you flicker
with your roe deer black, eyes.
And this comma.
And my wild instrument pressed against my chest
assists me with it's raw sound not to ever
The it's/its switch.
forget that look that you sometimes have;
when you're at peace.
This semicolon. But then again, you're searching for rhythm. Though there are better ways.
Often, it makes me moody when you are melancholic,
but I'm always there.
Usually, I can't stop feeling that I'm falling in something
that I had forgotten about a great long time ago.
Now, your smile just makes me wake up at night,
just to dream about you while I'm awake.
There are things that need to be straightened out here. I plan on looking at it a few more times and straightening it out for myself. Then maybe I can say more sensible things.