10-11-2013, 11:43 AM
(09-03-2013, 08:07 AM)Expendable Youth. Wrote: I'd appreciate some help on this one, thanks in advance.All and all the imagery is alright, I think the story/message can be strengthened. There were a couple contradictory things. Also describing what these birds look and sound like, as well as more description about the setting would add to this. Hope these comments helped.
Fluttering frantically I know these words don't have the same definition, but it seems a bit redundant. In my mind, something is usually fluttering due to a frantic reason, so I think one of these words can be substituted for something better
nestled to the side Fluttering to nestled, where are you going with this?
of their bath
filled to the brim
splashing, stretching
spilling water to the garden bed I liked the imagery here, wasn't sure what kind of bath at first, but now that they are spilling I can picture that nice generic bird bath in the middle of a garden
refugees
from the blistering summer heat Also good
family
bonding in simplicity Often times that's the best way of bonding
in simplicity...
content to breathe. I don't think this is the strongest way to end this poem, I suggest adding a little more
I never highlight my flaws or deficits
Because none of that will matter when death visits
Because none of that will matter when death visits

