10-07-2013, 05:33 PM
like a fool i read the other feedback. that said my feedback would be the same though i will add one thought because of it.
1st off i'm reading the 4th line as a statement and for me it works as such. switch oon the light or in this instance [illuminate till dawn]
i'm struggling to see a meter so i take it you're not using one; and it works this way [shit shit shit, this is the for fun forum sorry dale. but i started so i'll finish.]
i'd suggest a line space before the last three lines.
i'm not sure the cliche i pointed out does the poem any harm but i just pointed it out anyway.
the poem makes a great child's read. and a collection of them would be absolutely spiffing. enjoyed it's brevity.
thanks for the read.
1st off i'm reading the 4th line as a statement and for me it works as such. switch oon the light or in this instance [illuminate till dawn]
i'm struggling to see a meter so i take it you're not using one; and it works this way [shit shit shit, this is the for fun forum sorry dale. but i started so i'll finish.]
i'd suggest a line space before the last three lines.
i'm not sure the cliche i pointed out does the poem any harm but i just pointed it out anyway.
the poem makes a great child's read. and a collection of them would be absolutely spiffing. enjoyed it's brevity.
thanks for the read.
(10-06-2013, 04:00 PM)Erthona Wrote: .
Erratic faerie flight,
flitting ‘cross the lawn, i like 'cross instead of across here as it adds some quaint to the thing.
dancing through the night, cliche
illuminate till dawn.
Fluorescing honey bees,
eliciting soft sighs.
Within a copse of trees,
what is this you spy,
that makes your heart to seize: feels jerky.
Fairies?
No…
just fireflies!
-Erthona