It all ends tonight

[tectak]

Hi sonata,
Easy crit coming up. Overall it is a puzzler and it leaves me much as it found me. I couldn't get the juice out of it no matter how I squeezed...so I am left with pointless pedantics and I think you deserve more.Sorry.
I remember the day she came in,
It was dark and one lonely soul - Maybe it was night, not day. It was so dark you dropped a hyphen and left it there. Lonely soul is cliche; lonely, seul is not.
could barely be seen
I took her in, gave her home; Pseudo-wordo-typo. Gave her A home.
filled her body with warmth Why no period?
She said: "Thank you", Why the colon?
as she strolled to the bed, Why the the?
And then got lost in the field of dreams. Why the cliche?

I remember the days when I - Bugger me, you've dropped another one. There must be a -hole in your punctuation pocket. Shit, now I've dropped one.
could see her everywhere I went
and the nights she smoked cigarettes
with such style, on the terrasse Here is the dilemma. You ARE punctuating then you are not punctuating. Period.
She would nod as I entered the home
And I would show my smile to the shadows, Why the capital on And. Here is the dilemma. You are capitalising some line starts and not others. Random makes abandon.
instead of her with shyness.

One day as I was coming back from work,
I heard strange noises, my home
was sicking low. No idea what this means. Have you?
Something swallowed it from inside,
She screamed just once,
So I can know she is there,
And left me hopeless just to stare. Weak line. Pointless rhyme. Sometimes rhyme, sometimes not. Tidy this up, sonata. You are MUCH better than this

I remember those days clearly,
after all, how can I forget,
In every dream of mine she exists
slowly walking away
into the darkness. No. A nothing end. Means little, says little; somehow fitting.

Not one of your best. It is all over the place like watered-down emulsion. Thin and hopelessly in need of another coat of looking at.
Best,
tectak