10-01-2013, 12:31 PM
I agree with fractile completely, the tense changes are very confusing. For example, S1 is in the present, S2 jumps to the past. Not sure if you are trying to head hop (steam punk) or if it just went unnoticed (I do this all the time) but it's best to keep the tense consistent throughout.
The morphine canteen line is a precious gem as others have said, but S4 for some reason captures me in a way that is fantastic. It feels deep, and I dig it.
I really, really want punctuation--I know you've heard it before but it truly helps us out as readers. And when you do use it, do it correctly---for example S5 L1 ---one of the few places you used a comma, it is a comma splice. Needs to be a period, a semi-colon, a dash, your choice. Just remember, if both phrases make a complete sentence with subject and verb, you can't put a comma there.
Sorry to preach, I'm considered the grammar police.
Overall---this has some wonderful imagery, and extremely FRESH feel to it; words that I wouldn't have considered to put together, but they work! It's extremely thought-provoking and that's what I love about good poetry. I hope you don't take what I've given as a crit the wrong way---I think this is superb and that's why I was kinda tough on you. I only do in-depth crits on poem that show fantastic potential...which this does.
I adore the title. A title should grab a reader and yet sum up the context of the poem, and yours is perfect. It's kinda funny, the word fallow came up in a pm the other day, and I hadn't heard it in years...
rambling now, forgive me.
This is good stuff. Keep working on it, and it will be outstanding stuff.
bena.
The morphine canteen line is a precious gem as others have said, but S4 for some reason captures me in a way that is fantastic. It feels deep, and I dig it.
I really, really want punctuation--I know you've heard it before but it truly helps us out as readers. And when you do use it, do it correctly---for example S5 L1 ---one of the few places you used a comma, it is a comma splice. Needs to be a period, a semi-colon, a dash, your choice. Just remember, if both phrases make a complete sentence with subject and verb, you can't put a comma there.
Sorry to preach, I'm considered the grammar police.
Overall---this has some wonderful imagery, and extremely FRESH feel to it; words that I wouldn't have considered to put together, but they work! It's extremely thought-provoking and that's what I love about good poetry. I hope you don't take what I've given as a crit the wrong way---I think this is superb and that's why I was kinda tough on you. I only do in-depth crits on poem that show fantastic potential...which this does.
I adore the title. A title should grab a reader and yet sum up the context of the poem, and yours is perfect. It's kinda funny, the word fallow came up in a pm the other day, and I hadn't heard it in years...
rambling now, forgive me.
This is good stuff. Keep working on it, and it will be outstanding stuff.
bena.