10-01-2013, 05:58 AM
I absolutely LOVE the thick imagery and many musical references (no poem about memphis would be decent without that layer) but I'd just say about the line breaks.....
Think how you would say a phrase, where it would break naturally, where you would pause.
There is a more sophisticated way to write that uses enjambment, (which sort of looks like your breaks) but here's the thing---the enjambment has to be for a reason, not haphazard. You'll figure that out once you learn regular line break stuff.
I dislike re-writing poetry, but I'll tackle your first stanza and just show how I would do the line breaks, to give you a glimpse.
Flat noise and light cast
down that black pavement
tacked on dusty cotton paths
plains of the Delta.
As a PS I adore the internal rhyme you have going. This is good stuff. Keep writing, I'm enthralled.
bena
Think how you would say a phrase, where it would break naturally, where you would pause.
There is a more sophisticated way to write that uses enjambment, (which sort of looks like your breaks) but here's the thing---the enjambment has to be for a reason, not haphazard. You'll figure that out once you learn regular line break stuff.
I dislike re-writing poetry, but I'll tackle your first stanza and just show how I would do the line breaks, to give you a glimpse.
Flat noise and light cast
down that black pavement
tacked on dusty cotton paths
plains of the Delta.
As a PS I adore the internal rhyme you have going. This is good stuff. Keep writing, I'm enthralled.
bena