09-30-2013, 05:56 PM
My favorite two lines would be these:
her canteen is filled with echoes of morphine
and mine was brimmed with wine
This poem is clearly filled with a lot of emotion, and it has a very strong setting. However, you hop around in both tense and voice. For instance, in the above mentioned lines, it goes from "is filled" to "was brimmed." You also mention a "her" and then a "you," and I'm led to believe by the context that they are the same person. Am I on the right track here?
If you want to jump tenses to make a point, try tightening up the tense in the beginning so that we feel attached to it. Then if you want to suddenly start talking to the "you," it will feel jarring, like we suddenly hopped into the speaker's mind. Otherwise, one solid voice through the entire piece will help maintain your stream of thought.
Just a suggestion, might not be the direction you're going for.
her canteen is filled with echoes of morphine
and mine was brimmed with wine
This poem is clearly filled with a lot of emotion, and it has a very strong setting. However, you hop around in both tense and voice. For instance, in the above mentioned lines, it goes from "is filled" to "was brimmed." You also mention a "her" and then a "you," and I'm led to believe by the context that they are the same person. Am I on the right track here?
If you want to jump tenses to make a point, try tightening up the tense in the beginning so that we feel attached to it. Then if you want to suddenly start talking to the "you," it will feel jarring, like we suddenly hopped into the speaker's mind. Otherwise, one solid voice through the entire piece will help maintain your stream of thought.
Just a suggestion, might not be the direction you're going for.