09-29-2013, 08:02 PM
I enjoyed the descriptive language used, like "Metropolis bled by sharpened hail." It feels like you've got a very strong image in your mind that you want to convey.
That said, I'm not sure where the purpose behind the piece lies. Is it strictly a fantasy tale, or an allegory for something else? Depending on which way you want to go with it, my advice might change.
If you're looking to tell a fantasy story, even though this is a poem I'd still like a stronger representation of character. There's an "I" here, someone telling the story. Is he the one causing the destruction, or the one witnessing it? Are you drifting in and out of various points of view? If he's on one specific side of the war, which is it on?
It boils down to the fact that you've got a beautiful (if grim) image here, but it needs a little more kick to it. If you can develop a small personal connection to the story teller in some fashion, you'll draw in the reader. Since this is a poem and not a long story, you don't need to give us the entire back story behind things, but try adding a little clarifying detail.
Other thoughts: It looks like you're going for some form of structure here, either in verse length or rhyme. I'd tighten that up as much as possible in the next version. If you ever set this to music, it would make an excellent fantasy metal song.
Sorry if I was long-winded. I got a little caught up in your imagery... I'm a fantasy fan myself. ^_^
That said, I'm not sure where the purpose behind the piece lies. Is it strictly a fantasy tale, or an allegory for something else? Depending on which way you want to go with it, my advice might change.
If you're looking to tell a fantasy story, even though this is a poem I'd still like a stronger representation of character. There's an "I" here, someone telling the story. Is he the one causing the destruction, or the one witnessing it? Are you drifting in and out of various points of view? If he's on one specific side of the war, which is it on?
It boils down to the fact that you've got a beautiful (if grim) image here, but it needs a little more kick to it. If you can develop a small personal connection to the story teller in some fashion, you'll draw in the reader. Since this is a poem and not a long story, you don't need to give us the entire back story behind things, but try adding a little clarifying detail.
Other thoughts: It looks like you're going for some form of structure here, either in verse length or rhyme. I'd tighten that up as much as possible in the next version. If you ever set this to music, it would make an excellent fantasy metal song.
Sorry if I was long-winded. I got a little caught up in your imagery... I'm a fantasy fan myself. ^_^