09-25-2013, 04:51 PM
Hi Nick,
This one has a good basic understory / plot but your poem has become a bit of a list of memory fragments that tell and i think it could be improved upon with some more images and some more connecting words between the statments.
I would suggest that you look at each snapshot of thought and try and offer something that will give the reader something to dwell over.
The thing that comes to my mind is that the title could perhaps be used as a lead to use the images of frost and spring to give us pictures of this girl.
So looking at the first lines with this in mind, I offer a few suggestions for you to play around.
Her eyes could be: Christalised, clear blue spring sky eyes
Her skin could be compared to: Emerging snowdrop skin, pale silk to finger touch.
Her lips : Frozen dew drops kissed by the sun
Well formed and smooth they yield moistness.
Choose your words carefully to convey the image that you want to best picture this girl. Each word that we use for example snowdrop will often carry a significance and an image beyond the phisical representation of the object. So for me this signifies purity, sweetness, new hope / emerging potential.
These are just my suggestions...this is your poem perhaps this girl might be better served with Autumn images.
Try also to think about if a word is in keeping with the tone of a poem. "Pardner" in particular feels very wrong and out of place here (assuming this is a dialect use of partener).
Hope these comments are of some help
All the best
AJ.
This one has a good basic understory / plot but your poem has become a bit of a list of memory fragments that tell and i think it could be improved upon with some more images and some more connecting words between the statments.
I would suggest that you look at each snapshot of thought and try and offer something that will give the reader something to dwell over.
The thing that comes to my mind is that the title could perhaps be used as a lead to use the images of frost and spring to give us pictures of this girl.
So looking at the first lines with this in mind, I offer a few suggestions for you to play around.
Her eyes could be: Christalised, clear blue spring sky eyes
Her skin could be compared to: Emerging snowdrop skin, pale silk to finger touch.
Her lips : Frozen dew drops kissed by the sun
Well formed and smooth they yield moistness.
Choose your words carefully to convey the image that you want to best picture this girl. Each word that we use for example snowdrop will often carry a significance and an image beyond the phisical representation of the object. So for me this signifies purity, sweetness, new hope / emerging potential.
These are just my suggestions...this is your poem perhaps this girl might be better served with Autumn images.
Try also to think about if a word is in keeping with the tone of a poem. "Pardner" in particular feels very wrong and out of place here (assuming this is a dialect use of partener).
Hope these comments are of some help
All the best
AJ.