09-24-2013, 06:31 AM
Hi Jim
Great to see a post from you - This works on a couple of levels for me although i do keep wandering what sort of snub a pet shop snake makes. This does read as a bit odd, but perhaps i am just missing something here. (No experiance with snakes do they ignore people by any chance).
I particularly like that you do not have a progression towards niceness and that there is not a predictable ending of ...but I like you really.
Two lines I am uncertain about is the play between Turn that light off - and Don't turn the light on. (Just not convinced that this is not one don't too many, but then i like the repition of the grump about the light.
The other thing is I think the 2nd line is a bit clunky to read - not very smooth.
Hope these comments are of some help.
Welcome to the site
All the best AJ.
Great to see a post from you - This works on a couple of levels for me although i do keep wandering what sort of snub a pet shop snake makes. This does read as a bit odd, but perhaps i am just missing something here. (No experiance with snakes do they ignore people by any chance).
I particularly like that you do not have a progression towards niceness and that there is not a predictable ending of ...but I like you really.
Two lines I am uncertain about is the play between Turn that light off - and Don't turn the light on. (Just not convinced that this is not one don't too many, but then i like the repition of the grump about the light.
The other thing is I think the 2nd line is a bit clunky to read - not very smooth.
Hope these comments are of some help.
Welcome to the site
All the best AJ.