09-24-2013, 04:25 AM
Miserable sod 
Can't say I dislike or disagree with the sentiments in the slightest. I quite like the rhymes you've set up and the change in scheme in the middle, although S5 doesn't seem to fit at all, in either rhyme or rhythm. It's a stopping point for me.
Also, "around the time I awake" is quite awkward phrasing. You could have "about what time I wake" and not lose any rhythm.
Great to read a poem from you after all your excellent feedback!
Can't say I dislike or disagree with the sentiments in the slightest. I quite like the rhymes you've set up and the change in scheme in the middle, although S5 doesn't seem to fit at all, in either rhyme or rhythm. It's a stopping point for me.
Also, "around the time I awake" is quite awkward phrasing. You could have "about what time I wake" and not lose any rhythm.
Great to read a poem from you after all your excellent feedback!
It could be worse