09-22-2013, 02:29 AM
(09-20-2013, 03:38 AM)tigrflye Wrote: Edited:
Mundane words of love
You seem so proud of
Impale my needy core.
Words like mundane are not descriptive. Concepts like "mundane words" or words of love are off-putting for readers. Try to use specific descriptions or examples to start so the reader will be drawn in. A good word of thumb is to avoid the word "of" in poetry. If you do find it, check the word that follows. Is it and abstraction? If so, try to rstate the whole concept. Words like "seem" once again, weak. If you can, try to use action verbs to convey concepts, linking verbs tend to be "telly". Don't tell me you have a needy core, try to find some way to demonstrate it so I can relate. Impale is a great verb, but it needs a great noun. Core is just an abstraction and . vague one at that. I would suggest you go through the rest of the poem with some of these thoughts in mind so you can strengthen the language and imagery.
Thanks for posting.
Good luck!