09-20-2013, 09:53 PM
[split] walking in snowshoes (mentoring project)
Hi AJ, I'm going to ignore the give and take of the mentoring thread to the best of my ability and try to come at this as cold as possible. Comments below:
(08-31-2013 11:16 PM)cidermaid Wrote:
Edit.
I feel the imperfections,
ions in each unique wood flake,--to me ions feels a bit clunky sitting under imperfections. It may be necessary but I would be tempted to cut the comma above and ions on this line
aching under silent fields of snow;--I wouldn't have gotten this fully without the explanation I remember that said it isn't a real issue. I would be tempted to draw the s sounds out a bit more. I first thought cutting fields of but the line felt unbalanced. Perhaps replace fields with "shavings' if that's appropriate
onerous gram weighted peeks and troughs.--not a big fan of onerous gram weighted. The phrasing feels a bit clunky to me. I don't have a substitution in mind yet. It could just be me
Offers of pristine carbon dated sheets
eat at tired thoughts that slide,--The offers eat at tired thoughts? I'm not sure how to take that
idle in freefall, foot prepped they stretch;
etched clouds of sun-downing starlings.--I very much though like the motion of where the thoughts go (idle in freefall. I like the foot prepped they stretch part). I'm not sure I've got the content settled on the etched line, but I don't need to understand fully to appreciate the word play. It's cool
Lingering they cling; half formed ideas,--One possible issue, this is a lot of space to be discussing thoughts. Just a thought of my own
earless dreary droplets on bare branches.--I like the alliteration, and I find earless the most interesting part of the line
Essence starved, highly metalled, they drip
rippled dross that cools on the un-tilled field.--Rippled dross that cools is an interesting image
Eldritch forces shield the pressed perfection,
on which fragments of calm collide and splinter.
Terse aborted concepts leap sky-born,
ornate in flight they swirl in flightless flocks.--I like this last line. The rest of this I'm not sure. Eldritch seems like a bit of a leap. I'm not fond of fragments of calm. If you remove of calm it might work better. You'd have to find another way to convey the concept thought I guess. I'm also not liking the terse aborted concepts. It just feels a bit too abstract for my tastes in here. Mostly, that's probably what it is a taste thing, but there you have it
Oxygen boosted the fledglings flee,--See lines like this make Eldritch not work for me. This feels sciency not magicy if that makes sense
easing off the aborted roost; a reflective river--second use of aborted way to close to the other one. You might be starting to push the overall alliteration too far.
verse that swirls in random bursts of unborn images,--not a fan of verse. Random doesn't say much, and unborn also is close in concept to aborted, also an unborn image just seems to me to be a: It was indescribable. Those moments for me feel like they shouldn't go in poems. I don't know if that makes sense.
gestated under a clouded sun-lit canopy.--Clouded sun-lit is an interesting antithesis
Peels of thoughts switch and swoop low;--Peels of thought is interesting because you introduce sound, and the rest reintroduces the swallows in a way. Again we're back in the mind it's not bad because you keep the action going, but thoughts are always as I said before problematic for me
own the virgin field of snow, by virtue of a kiss.--Here I would really cut field of. It's the second time you have it and it adds little. Possibly, shorten the second phrase to simply "with a kiss"
Issues melt, the fluid thought compacts,
acts upon a single, graphite drop and falls.--Like this line
Alternate climatic creative waves; twice
ice hard dead upon the page are left unread.
Edited, the final decent is progressive and smooth;
the imperfections are covered and soothed. --I'm still thinking about the conclusion. Nothing yet, I simply wanted to get the initial response down. I may come back.
I like it. It has some interesting points. I hope the comments will be helpful.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
Hi AJ, I'm going to ignore the give and take of the mentoring thread to the best of my ability and try to come at this as cold as possible. Comments below:
(08-31-2013 11:16 PM)cidermaid Wrote:
Edit.
I feel the imperfections,
ions in each unique wood flake,--to me ions feels a bit clunky sitting under imperfections. It may be necessary but I would be tempted to cut the comma above and ions on this line
aching under silent fields of snow;--I wouldn't have gotten this fully without the explanation I remember that said it isn't a real issue. I would be tempted to draw the s sounds out a bit more. I first thought cutting fields of but the line felt unbalanced. Perhaps replace fields with "shavings' if that's appropriate
onerous gram weighted peeks and troughs.--not a big fan of onerous gram weighted. The phrasing feels a bit clunky to me. I don't have a substitution in mind yet. It could just be me
Offers of pristine carbon dated sheets
eat at tired thoughts that slide,--The offers eat at tired thoughts? I'm not sure how to take that
idle in freefall, foot prepped they stretch;
etched clouds of sun-downing starlings.--I very much though like the motion of where the thoughts go (idle in freefall. I like the foot prepped they stretch part). I'm not sure I've got the content settled on the etched line, but I don't need to understand fully to appreciate the word play. It's cool
Lingering they cling; half formed ideas,--One possible issue, this is a lot of space to be discussing thoughts. Just a thought of my own
earless dreary droplets on bare branches.--I like the alliteration, and I find earless the most interesting part of the line
Essence starved, highly metalled, they drip
rippled dross that cools on the un-tilled field.--Rippled dross that cools is an interesting image
Eldritch forces shield the pressed perfection,
on which fragments of calm collide and splinter.
Terse aborted concepts leap sky-born,
ornate in flight they swirl in flightless flocks.--I like this last line. The rest of this I'm not sure. Eldritch seems like a bit of a leap. I'm not fond of fragments of calm. If you remove of calm it might work better. You'd have to find another way to convey the concept thought I guess. I'm also not liking the terse aborted concepts. It just feels a bit too abstract for my tastes in here. Mostly, that's probably what it is a taste thing, but there you have it
Oxygen boosted the fledglings flee,--See lines like this make Eldritch not work for me. This feels sciency not magicy if that makes sense
easing off the aborted roost; a reflective river--second use of aborted way to close to the other one. You might be starting to push the overall alliteration too far.
verse that swirls in random bursts of unborn images,--not a fan of verse. Random doesn't say much, and unborn also is close in concept to aborted, also an unborn image just seems to me to be a: It was indescribable. Those moments for me feel like they shouldn't go in poems. I don't know if that makes sense.
gestated under a clouded sun-lit canopy.--Clouded sun-lit is an interesting antithesis
Peels of thoughts switch and swoop low;--Peels of thought is interesting because you introduce sound, and the rest reintroduces the swallows in a way. Again we're back in the mind it's not bad because you keep the action going, but thoughts are always as I said before problematic for me
own the virgin field of snow, by virtue of a kiss.--Here I would really cut field of. It's the second time you have it and it adds little. Possibly, shorten the second phrase to simply "with a kiss"
Issues melt, the fluid thought compacts,
acts upon a single, graphite drop and falls.--Like this line
Alternate climatic creative waves; twice
ice hard dead upon the page are left unread.
Edited, the final decent is progressive and smooth;
the imperfections are covered and soothed. --I'm still thinking about the conclusion. Nothing yet, I simply wanted to get the initial response down. I may come back.
I like it. It has some interesting points. I hope the comments will be helpful.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson