Walking in Snow shoes.

[Keith]

Editing notes.
Here's my first pass at turning the whole into a conchalonn. Not totally happy with some of my connecting rhyme sounds. Also as I feared it seems to have grown somewhat and I am struggling to see where I can edit without loosing the integrity of what i wanted to say. So for now I am happy that i think I have captured my original thought / idea to write a poem about the process and struggles of writing a poem and that i have taken control over some of the images that the poem was writing and kept my snow field & climber images balanced with my starlings at sunset images. I be interested to hear your thoughts on this new direction as it is quite a departure from the original in places.

I feel the imperfections,
ions in each unique wood flake,
aching under silent fields of snow;
onerous gram weighted peeks and troughs.

Offers of pristine carbon dated sheets
eat at tired thoughts that slide,
idle in freefall, foot prepped they stretch;
etched clouds of sun-downing starlings.

Lingering they cling; half formed ideas,
earless dreary droplets on bare branches.
Essence starved, highly metalled, they drip
rippled dross that cools on the un-tilled field.

Eldritch forces shield the pressed perfection,
on which fragments of calm collide and splinter.
Terse aborted concepts leap sky-born,
ornate in flight they swirl in flightless flocks.

Oxygen boosted the fledglings flee,
easing off the aborted roost; a reflective river
verse that swirls in random bursts of unborn images,
gestated under a clouded sun-lit canopy.

Peels of thoughts switch and swoop low;
own the virgin field of snow, by virtue of a kiss.
Issues melt, the fluid thought compacts,
acts upon a single, graphite drop and falls.

Alternate climatic creative waves; twice
ice hard dead upon the page are left unread.
Edited, the final decent is progressive and smooth;
the imperfections are covered and soothed.

Flippin eke AJ, you've been busy. I think you have done a fantastic job on this and to get here from the original is quite an achievement. Dare I suggest you next move would be to step back and put it up in the workshop. I'm not sure if that's what you wanted but it would be good to get some feedback at this point from some other readers. We can reconvene once you have the results and discuss next steps. Great job so far. I will comment with others or on my own if you decide not to workshop. Keith