09-18-2013, 10:00 AM
I like the commandments angle. It is to your child and you tell us in advance that your child "should" know them, not that he or she "does" know them. After all, commandments are made to be broken. Any Catholic would know this 
Random things I like:
1) "How she wears her lonely" Great image. Wish I had written this. Forget the grammatical illogic of this image. It fits. And she wears it. Wonderful delivery.
2) Like the soft sell of dogma. It's there...and it should be. If a poem is referencing Catholicism, than by God, some dogma should be part of the program.
3) I like that this is not schmaltzy. It could come off as a sermon, but it does not. All opinions are handled w/care and are not delivered w/a hammer.
4) Commandment #3 is very cool. Short and sweet. No explanation necessary. And none is give. Could be food. Could be sex. Could be anything. I like it.
**All comments already stated by others are worthwhile. Prune every unnecessary word out this. Spit and polish it. bena's comment about "home is where the heart is" is well taken. Stay fresh.
Good luck. The concept is a keeper.
Random things I like:
1) "How she wears her lonely" Great image. Wish I had written this. Forget the grammatical illogic of this image. It fits. And she wears it. Wonderful delivery.
2) Like the soft sell of dogma. It's there...and it should be. If a poem is referencing Catholicism, than by God, some dogma should be part of the program.
3) I like that this is not schmaltzy. It could come off as a sermon, but it does not. All opinions are handled w/care and are not delivered w/a hammer.
4) Commandment #3 is very cool. Short and sweet. No explanation necessary. And none is give. Could be food. Could be sex. Could be anything. I like it.
**All comments already stated by others are worthwhile. Prune every unnecessary word out this. Spit and polish it. bena's comment about "home is where the heart is" is well taken. Stay fresh.
Good luck. The concept is a keeper.