09-14-2013, 10:56 AM
Sitting in this fear,
all unfolds
before my eyes,
my emotions know
Their is calm,
There
afraid, hesitant to move,
a whisper shares,
you are no fool
You see it all
yet it holds you back,
perhaps you haven't
found your track
That path where endless
potential roams,
It can't be seen,
your hesitation groans
The rhymes are getting clumsy.
As you sit inside this void,
where all is heard,
their is a noise
there
A gentle nudge,
that says your home,
you're
yet within your heart
you feel alone
In this feeling
it is only that,
to remind you of,
your hidden trap
You don't need a comma after of.
The self realized,
stirs within,
the old self died,
yet the tomb begins
To reveal that death
will often show,
the remnants of,
that space you know
You don't need a comma after of here either. The way things are being worded is kind of strange. The punctuation is too.
The one that means,
so much to you,
a special move
that you know is true
The commas are out of place.
True to your heart,
I guess one knows,
how fear can hold
in places closed
Lost long ago,
lost and found,
the memory often,
ties and bounds
As each thread lingers,
each tie undone,
brings the space to move,
closer to the one.
I'll come back to this. It seems like it has more things wrong with it. But it might just be me. Maybe there's something going on with all those commas that I'm too distracted to see at the moment. So I'll look again later.
all unfolds
before my eyes,
my emotions know
Their is calm,
There
afraid, hesitant to move,
a whisper shares,
you are no fool
You see it all
yet it holds you back,
perhaps you haven't
found your track
That path where endless
potential roams,
It can't be seen,
your hesitation groans
The rhymes are getting clumsy.
As you sit inside this void,
where all is heard,
their is a noise
there
A gentle nudge,
that says your home,
you're
yet within your heart
you feel alone
In this feeling
it is only that,
to remind you of,
your hidden trap
You don't need a comma after of.
The self realized,
stirs within,
the old self died,
yet the tomb begins
To reveal that death
will often show,
the remnants of,
that space you know
You don't need a comma after of here either. The way things are being worded is kind of strange. The punctuation is too.
The one that means,
so much to you,
a special move
that you know is true
The commas are out of place.
True to your heart,
I guess one knows,
how fear can hold
in places closed
Lost long ago,
lost and found,
the memory often,
ties and bounds
As each thread lingers,
each tie undone,
brings the space to move,
closer to the one.
I'll come back to this. It seems like it has more things wrong with it. But it might just be me. Maybe there's something going on with all those commas that I'm too distracted to see at the moment. So I'll look again later.