09-14-2013, 05:02 AM
A squeeze indeed!
It's always more difficult to critique poems that are written purely to amuse, especially in dialect like this. I do wonder why there's no rhyme in the first stanza, then you shift to ABCB -- it's a bit odd. Also, I'd say you can abandon the "dialect" and just write "comes" in S2. In S2L4 the meter seems quite off but other than "and get set for dat whole shebang" I can't think of a suggestion to fix it.
Small technical details aside, this is a funny (if slightly racist) piece with a very vivid image to finish.
It could be worse