Three Haikus
#6
(09-11-2013, 07:19 AM)Volaticus Wrote:  
(09-11-2013, 02:13 AM)Malu Wrote:  Sweetheart

She needs a Hero
To rescue her from Herself
I'm not Superman


Is it Over?

As blue turns to red I don't think you need "As".
My eyes slowly start to close I don't think you need "start to".
Surrounded by white


Grey Skies

Now up to bat, God
Nothing escapes the Clashing
Protected by Streaks
Hi Malu,
It might just be me, but I couldn't find any clear reason to why you chose to capitalize some of the words.
I think you could remove a few words in the second one. I've noted which above. You don't necessarily have to stick to 5-7-5 syllables in English haiku/senryu.
I'm not sure I see any seasonal references in these three, so I think they're senryu and not haiku. JMHO.
-LB
Well, I just consider them haiku because I like to stick to the 5-7-5 syllables, and yeah it's not very traditional in terms evoking images of the natural world, even though the second one is about death, which is natural, and the third one is about me looking out through a window during a thunderstorm, which is also natural. As for the capitalization of some words, I'm not entirely sure, I try do that to create more emphasis, but I see what you mean by how its not necessary
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Messages In This Thread
Three Haikus - by Malu - 09-11-2013, 02:13 AM
RE: Three Haikus - by Volaticus - 09-11-2013, 07:19 AM
RE: Three Haikus - by Malu - 09-11-2013, 10:11 AM
RE: Three Haikus - by Malu - 09-13-2013, 04:11 PM
RE: Three Haikus - by billy - 09-11-2013, 01:15 PM
RE: Three Haikus - by Malu - 09-12-2013, 07:18 AM
RE: Three Haikus - by billy - 09-17-2013, 02:38 PM
RE: Three Haikus - by Malu - 09-18-2013, 02:12 AM



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