Three Haikus
#2
(09-11-2013, 02:13 AM)Malu Wrote:  Sweetheart

She needs a Hero
To rescue her from Herself
I'm not Superman


Is it Over?

As blue turns to red I don't think you need "As".
My eyes slowly start to close I don't think you need "start to".
Surrounded by white


Grey Skies

Now up to bat, God
Nothing escapes the Clashing
Protected by Streaks
Hi Malu,
It might just be me, but I couldn't find any clear reason to why you chose to capitalize some of the words.
I think you could remove a few words in the second one. I've noted which above. You don't necessarily have to stick to 5-7-5 syllables in English haiku/senryu.
I'm not sure I see any seasonal references in these three, so I think they're senryu and not haiku. JMHO.
-LB
Reply


Messages In This Thread
Three Haikus - by Malu - 09-11-2013, 02:13 AM
RE: Three Haikus - by Volaticus - 09-11-2013, 07:19 AM
RE: Three Haikus - by Malu - 09-11-2013, 10:11 AM
RE: Three Haikus - by Malu - 09-13-2013, 04:11 PM
RE: Three Haikus - by billy - 09-11-2013, 01:15 PM
RE: Three Haikus - by Malu - 09-12-2013, 07:18 AM
RE: Three Haikus - by billy - 09-17-2013, 02:38 PM
RE: Three Haikus - by Malu - 09-18-2013, 02:12 AM



Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!