Walking in Snow shoes.

[Keith]

AJ Thank you for the detailed explanations, I now have the same basis as you with my understanding of how this was constructed and the aim of your piece.

I have highlighted some key words in your text that I believe allow the reader to keep place and a basic understanding of your theme whilst still absorb the beauty of your lines and images.

Since each stanza is based on a clear idea and theme, I would suggest that we take it two at a time. For the moment I suggest we park the title, unless you want to use it to link to your other poem instead of using your opening line?

I feel the imperfections;
each a unique ‘Snow-flake’,
of gram weighted troughs and ridge tops
on pristine, carbon dated sheets.
My tired thoughts seek to settle and roost
like a cloud of sun-downing starlings.

Each bare branched idea
clings, half formed to the tip
of a bonsai tree. Whilst slips of chaos,
drip cooling molten dross
on the un-tilled fields of pressed perfection;
splintering the compressed calm of my mind.


Some feedback S1 and 2
I probably should not be doing this as part of the process but hey I'm learning.
At the moment some of your ideas are unclear to me as a reader, the title is miss leading and the double use of snow flake is lost unless you know the brand and many won't. S1 L5&6 I thought to be an inspired way to say you needed to rest from the poem but your explanation has thrown me. Fields of pressed perfection made me think of apples. Molten dross sounds out of place in snow.

So S1&2
I feel the imperfections; Link, Touch,
each a unique ‘Snow-flake’, Snow, wood fibre, Paper, pure beauty.
of gram weighted troughs and ridge tops A micro view, blind mans touch, hands on paper, want the perfect lines. on pristine, carbon dated sheets. Beauty, old, link trees
My tired thoughts seek to settle and roost
like a cloud of sun-downing starlings. running into fresh snow to realise you have just spoiled it.


Each bare branched idea line of poetry ready for growth
clings, half formed to the tip fragile creative thoughts
of a bonsai tree. Whilst slips of chaos,
drip cooling molten dross struggle, wreck the clean page
on the un-tilled fields of pressed perfection; blank pages, daunting
splintering the compressed calm of my mind. anger breaks the beauty


I would ask you to:-
1. Take each line, think of what you have said you want to put across and make sure it does it.
2. Try a different way to say the same things
3. Only make small changes if you feel they are required or an improvement.

Lets try this, see if it works, if it does we can do the next two stanzas, if it doesn't we can try a different approach.