09-09-2013, 02:00 PM
If you want the pun, opt for "right", you'll still get the overlap of write on it.
THE POEM I MEANT TO WRITE
I regret not writing you down,
You swam through my mind
Linking words and thoughts
With gossamer chains
That glistened with meaning,
gossamer glistened...come on, how often do you use those words?Find something you use.
But the kitchen can was calling my name
kitchen can is probably overly specific. Kitchen by itself would probably be better
Using the voice of my wife.
There were skinned knees to be kissed,
Equations to be sorted out,
House rules to be followed.
Has the opportunity passed?
Have you flown, like a caged bird
Through a conveniently open window?
combine stanzas
Are you even now winging toward
Another poet, a different writer?
worried your poem is cheating on you, now that would be funny, but simply going to another poet...I don't want your poem...
You could probably skip this stanza without any loss.
I have the scraps, the fragments,
The word-pieces I had intended
first two lines...good
To build you from.
I will try to arrange them so,
next two...not so smooth
In hopes they cast the same shadow.
cast shadow is good, though this could be because I've been thinking about it.
Like my grandmother’s smile -
You linger just behind my eye,
First two lines good, the last 3 seem like they could be better. \Waiting for me,
Wanting to be released
In just the ‘write’ form.
wanting to be etched
more firmly than in my mind.
Having written, I know it is a juggle trying to keep the start of a poem together when you're doing something else, so this will be clear to poets. Non-poets, I don't know.
This definitely has good soil to work with. The central idea works; now get all the lines.
a few thoughts,
Bill
THE POEM I MEANT TO WRITE
I regret not writing you down,
You swam through my mind
Linking words and thoughts
With gossamer chains
That glistened with meaning,
gossamer glistened...come on, how often do you use those words?Find something you use.
But the kitchen can was calling my name
kitchen can is probably overly specific. Kitchen by itself would probably be better
Using the voice of my wife.
There were skinned knees to be kissed,
Equations to be sorted out,
House rules to be followed.
Has the opportunity passed?
Have you flown, like a caged bird
Through a conveniently open window?
combine stanzas
Are you even now winging toward
Another poet, a different writer?
worried your poem is cheating on you, now that would be funny, but simply going to another poet...I don't want your poem...
You could probably skip this stanza without any loss.
I have the scraps, the fragments,
The word-pieces I had intended
first two lines...good
To build you from.
I will try to arrange them so,
next two...not so smooth
In hopes they cast the same shadow.
cast shadow is good, though this could be because I've been thinking about it.
Like my grandmother’s smile -
You linger just behind my eye,
First two lines good, the last 3 seem like they could be better. \Waiting for me,
Wanting to be released
In just the ‘write’ form.
wanting to be etched
more firmly than in my mind.
Having written, I know it is a juggle trying to keep the start of a poem together when you're doing something else, so this will be clear to poets. Non-poets, I don't know.
This definitely has good soil to work with. The central idea works; now get all the lines.
a few thoughts,
Bill