09-09-2013, 08:09 AM
I'd rearrange the wording in second stanza of the edited poem.
"The atmosphere sears
A pyramid metroplis sags
Bleeding itself"
=A pyramid metropolis sags
Under an atmosphere searing
Bleeding itself
Or something like that/ the rest of the poems flow is good.
"The atmosphere sears
A pyramid metroplis sags
Bleeding itself"
=A pyramid metropolis sags
Under an atmosphere searing
Bleeding itself
Or something like that/ the rest of the poems flow is good.

