09-09-2013, 04:30 AM
Aha, fear of being Milo-ed, eh? Trying to pre-empt an attack by writing a piece about him and posting to mild critique, I see. Well, it's a reasonable metaphor, as his jock may be strapped a bit too tight. 
Nonetheless, his motives are not to malign, but to help one approve.
He is not without bias and I doubt any postmodern poetry stands up to his demands for a preposition, noun, verb, punctuation, etc, in every sentence.
However, all joking aside, he stuck with me on the editing of the first piece that I posted here. Milo and I had several exchanges until I finalized it, which I really respected and appreciated. Now he has a forum to do so on a one-on-one basis which is admirable. He is a wonderful and well read poet with extensive knowledge and insight in the art form. 
As for your poem, you focus too much on fear as opposed to discipline. Both the coach’s and Milo’s approaches are to develop discipline, that you have read in both cases as an intent to invoke fear. So this needs a rewrite with a focus on discipline and fundamentals to be successful in my mind. Also, decide whether you want to rhyme or not. This was a bit rough and had trouble with direction. There was a bit much to try to smooth over, so I just have an example that could serve as an example template:
My Coach Milo
In American football
the coaches are gruff.
We hear intimidation,
when the discipline gets tough.
Don’t they have any compassion
behind the high-decibel shout?
Don’t they see our trepidation,
lack of knowledge, hence our doubt?
It is a well-established culture
to hammer out the principles
and the constant repetition
will develop our fundamentals…
…or something more like this, see what you think./Chris
Nonetheless, his motives are not to malign, but to help one approve. He is not without bias and I doubt any postmodern poetry stands up to his demands for a preposition, noun, verb, punctuation, etc, in every sentence.
However, all joking aside, he stuck with me on the editing of the first piece that I posted here. Milo and I had several exchanges until I finalized it, which I really respected and appreciated. Now he has a forum to do so on a one-on-one basis which is admirable. He is a wonderful and well read poet with extensive knowledge and insight in the art form. As for your poem, you focus too much on fear as opposed to discipline. Both the coach’s and Milo’s approaches are to develop discipline, that you have read in both cases as an intent to invoke fear. So this needs a rewrite with a focus on discipline and fundamentals to be successful in my mind. Also, decide whether you want to rhyme or not. This was a bit rough and had trouble with direction. There was a bit much to try to smooth over, so I just have an example that could serve as an example template:
My Coach Milo
In American football
the coaches are gruff.
We hear intimidation,
when the discipline gets tough.
Don’t they have any compassion
behind the high-decibel shout?
Don’t they see our trepidation,
lack of knowledge, hence our doubt?
It is a well-established culture
to hammer out the principles
and the constant repetition
will develop our fundamentals…
…or something more like this, see what you think./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris