09-08-2013, 08:37 AM
I wasn't trying to suggest you drop the ending; I just didn't want to offer an edit.
Read this:
And we keep getting closer and closer and all i want to do is leap to the safety of that unsheeted mattress
and wrap my jagged bones around you.
so i reach out hoping to bridge the gap, but just as it seems like you're within reach the floor gives way beneath my feet.
And I wake up.
Is the following in the above passage?
the poem mentions that the ground is falling away, and the walls are closing in. the only way our narrator can reach the girl on the bed is to somehow jump the void, but he has less and less space to get a running start, and the hole keeps getting wider and wider.
I do think the image in your head would work, but it isn't on the page yet.
a thought,
Bill
Read this:
And we keep getting closer and closer and all i want to do is leap to the safety of that unsheeted mattress
and wrap my jagged bones around you.
so i reach out hoping to bridge the gap, but just as it seems like you're within reach the floor gives way beneath my feet.
And I wake up.
Is the following in the above passage?
the poem mentions that the ground is falling away, and the walls are closing in. the only way our narrator can reach the girl on the bed is to somehow jump the void, but he has less and less space to get a running start, and the hole keeps getting wider and wider.
I do think the image in your head would work, but it isn't on the page yet.
a thought,
Bill