(Warning: offensive language.) A Dream I Never Had But Remembered Upon Wakening

[metalfan91]

I have dreams of you
in your navy blue traveling dress,
lying on my unsheeted mattress,
letting a cigarette burn between your fingers.
A brand that you don't particularly like or dislike
and you're smiling.
And I'm wondering why, but i can't speak.
And my skin begins to crack and shatter revealing beneath it
old stained bones with fissures and jagged edges.
And the walls begin closing inpushing us closer and closer together.
But the floor between us starts to fall away as if the only thing that had ever been beneath it was the void.
And you're still lying there smiling,
but i can hear your voice.
And i can't tell what you're saying,
but it sounds so fucking peaceful...
And we keep getting closer and closer and all i want to do is leap to the safety of that unsheeted mattress
and wrap my jagged bones around you.
so i reach out hoping to bridge the gap, but just as it seems like you're within reach the floor gives way beneath my feet.
And I wake up.

I think the suggestions already made are very well-stated. The sentiment of this piece is something to admire, but I think the more concise you make this, the more potent the overall theme will be. If you trim this a bit, there will be more of a stream-of-consciousness quality to this. The closing line feels a tad cliche. I also don't think that the redundancy gives a sense of urgency. To be honest, it slows the reading quite a bit. If you'd permit me, I'd like to give you my take on the poem, as your first two commenters have.