DEFEATED

[tectak]

I must just give up
My hands thrown up
I look into the sky
asking why?

Every time I cry
No matter what I do
No matter what I try
A bad end is what's due

It is never enough
Life is so rough
Way too Tough
I think it's all just guff

Even though life is a must
What's a guy to do
When all he touches turns
to dang ole dust?

Poor ole me all I have
to show for a lifetime long
is the sweet success of failure.

This crit commissoned by the author of the piece...let this be a warning

Hi spike,
As this is mild crit I will begin thus.
I may be wrong but...
Well, to be humane and not to add to the character's angst, this is terminally flawed and should be put down.
Loook at your rhyme scheme. I mean LOOK at it. Stanza 1 AABB.
Now S2.ABAB
Now S3.AAAA
Now S4 ABCD (also known as O I C U in text-speak or oops I cocked up in this forum)
Now S5 ABC
If this was a competent piece of work in other areas (it has no meter, it has puerile forced rhymes, it lacks punctuation, it mixes in vernacular without good reason, it suffers from dire syntax, it is full of cliches, the concept is hackneyed, it says nothing new and to all intents appears to be deliberately tongue-in-cheek but without the veneer of skill to carry the deception off) then one could believe that the random rhyme scheme was intentionally thought provoking. I think not. Tell me I am wrong. I am listening.
Best,
tectak