09-07-2013, 04:49 AM
Thank you both for your thoughts. Volaticus, the reason i was so redundant and wordy was to really try to drive in a sense of urgency. you see this poem was intended to be a spoken word bit. but i very much enjoy your take on it, and will consider something along those lines for when i decide to rewrite it.
Bill, the last four lines were meant to really drive in the hopelessness, so to speak. the poem mentions that the ground is falling away, and the walls are closing in. the only way our narrator can reach the girl on the bed is to somehow jump the void, but he has less and less space to get a running start, and the hole keeps getting wider and wider. I hope that helps you understand them a bit. but i really like "crack, shatter, reveal," i feel like those three words together really show the sense of urgency i was going for.
thank you guys so much.
Bill, the last four lines were meant to really drive in the hopelessness, so to speak. the poem mentions that the ground is falling away, and the walls are closing in. the only way our narrator can reach the girl on the bed is to somehow jump the void, but he has less and less space to get a running start, and the hole keeps getting wider and wider. I hope that helps you understand them a bit. but i really like "crack, shatter, reveal," i feel like those three words together really show the sense of urgency i was going for.
thank you guys so much.