09-06-2013, 10:08 AM
There are a number lines where you go off meter, but I generally do not find them disruptive to the poem, and half feet are generally allowed if done well. Although not related to going off meter, two places did seem problematic.
The first is the rhyme of "one" and "upon". As you are actually trying to strengthen the sing song nature of iambic tetrameter, this near rhyme does not help in that endeavor, causing your opening stanza to be weak. In any other place one might could live with it, but not in your opening, which needs to be strong, as it sets the tone, and pattern for the rest of the poem.
The second problem, is the unnatural nature of the line,
"he’ll teach him all the tricks of trade"
One could not have a more obvious attempt to stay with the meterat the expense of the content, than altering a well know cliche such as "tricks of the trade".
Outside of these two things, I think this reads fairly well. A good choice of meter and rhyme pattern for the telling of a cute story.
Dale
The first is the rhyme of "one" and "upon". As you are actually trying to strengthen the sing song nature of iambic tetrameter, this near rhyme does not help in that endeavor, causing your opening stanza to be weak. In any other place one might could live with it, but not in your opening, which needs to be strong, as it sets the tone, and pattern for the rest of the poem.
The second problem, is the unnatural nature of the line,
"he’ll teach him all the tricks of trade"
One could not have a more obvious attempt to stay with the meterat the expense of the content, than altering a well know cliche such as "tricks of the trade".
Outside of these two things, I think this reads fairly well. A good choice of meter and rhyme pattern for the telling of a cute story.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.