09-05-2013, 08:43 AM
Not much I can add to what has already been said. I also noticed the "not-quite" rhymes, and they took me out of the moment, as did the lack of punctuation.
As far as the content, I had thought the suit of brass was the urn holding one's ashes, but you specifically mention a coffin, so I ended up confused, and the piece also mentions the feelings of the dead, without letting us "inside" to understand what those feelings might be, which I found odd.
As far as the content, I had thought the suit of brass was the urn holding one's ashes, but you specifically mention a coffin, so I ended up confused, and the piece also mentions the feelings of the dead, without letting us "inside" to understand what those feelings might be, which I found odd.
"In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite." - Paul Dirac (1902 - 1984)