09-05-2013, 07:53 AM
Hi,
Maybe you could take a look at the punctuation, as it seems quite random. You have two periods and then leave them out completely for the rest of the poem. Most of your rhymes worked for me, except for a few (have-pass for example). I see a theme throughout the poem, but it doesn't feel all cohesive to me, it seems to be pulling in different directions, that are not fully explained or explored.
JMHO of course.
Best,
LB
Maybe you could take a look at the punctuation, as it seems quite random. You have two periods and then leave them out completely for the rest of the poem. Most of your rhymes worked for me, except for a few (have-pass for example). I see a theme throughout the poem, but it doesn't feel all cohesive to me, it seems to be pulling in different directions, that are not fully explained or explored.
JMHO of course.
Best,
LB