09-04-2013, 12:13 PM
I think I understand what you're trying to here, but try to keep your style a little more consistent. For example, the use of the casual contraction "I'm" in a poem containing a formalized word like "'neath" was a bit confusing. I'd give a little more thought to how you utilize capitalization and imagery: you could come up with something more descriptive and unique than "blackened Night," for example. And this is just me being nit-picky, but the line break and syntax in your last two lines is a little jarring. But there's potential here, so keep at it.