09-03-2013, 10:41 PM
AK,
Probably because of your moniker, I was thinking of this being from a cat's point of view.
"I’m loving Night,
for Moon is bright
and Sky is thick
with Clouds.
Yellow softens
darkened Blue,
blending, circling
Milk-White Moon."
From that viewpoint these first two stanzas work, but after that you break the form and get into very un-cat like explanation. Especially with,
"For when moonlight takes ashen sky"
Regardless of who the narrator is, these passages do not match, as the thought process and point of view has completely changed, yet you give no explanation of why this would be.
If you attributed the first two stanzas to a cat's view, and left it at that I think it works well. As this is mild critique, I'll stop there, having probably already gone over what a mild critique should be.
Dale
Probably because of your moniker, I was thinking of this being from a cat's point of view.
"I’m loving Night,
for Moon is bright
and Sky is thick
with Clouds.
Yellow softens
darkened Blue,
blending, circling
Milk-White Moon."
From that viewpoint these first two stanzas work, but after that you break the form and get into very un-cat like explanation. Especially with,
"For when moonlight takes ashen sky"
Regardless of who the narrator is, these passages do not match, as the thought process and point of view has completely changed, yet you give no explanation of why this would be.
If you attributed the first two stanzas to a cat's view, and left it at that I think it works well. As this is mild critique, I'll stop there, having probably already gone over what a mild critique should be.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.