09-03-2013, 11:00 AM
I'm kind of a bird freak, and I watch them a lot, so in my view some of this poem doesn't ring true in regards to bird behavior:
Fluttering frantically
nestled to the side
of their bath
*When I see birds in a bird bath they are usually in the middle of it, or at least in various parts, and they don't "nestle."
They do what they need to do while being wary of danger, (predators) then leave.
filled to the brim
splashing, stretching
spilling water to the garden bed
refugees
from the blistering summer heat
family
bonding in simplicity
in simplicity...
content to breathe.
*I hate the overuse of gerunds.
If the "family" is "content to breathe" why are they involved in so much activity in the previous lines of this poem?
*This is my first crit here, so just ignore it if you wish.
Fluttering frantically
nestled to the side
of their bath
*When I see birds in a bird bath they are usually in the middle of it, or at least in various parts, and they don't "nestle."
They do what they need to do while being wary of danger, (predators) then leave.
filled to the brim
splashing, stretching
spilling water to the garden bed
refugees
from the blistering summer heat
family
bonding in simplicity
in simplicity...
content to breathe.
*I hate the overuse of gerunds.
If the "family" is "content to breathe" why are they involved in so much activity in the previous lines of this poem?
*This is my first crit here, so just ignore it if you wish.