Bed

[fasterthanlight]

Thanks for the tips. This is the first piece of personal writing I have done in years. I appreciate the feedback. I tried tweeking it a bit, still a work in progress. Let me know your thoughts.

As I lay in bed
Dream and ponder
Of her in my head.
The pain I suffer
Miserable and tough
Longing to see her
Equal enough
My heart has been jaded
Lost loves deep sorrows
Misery and tears cascaded
Dark clouds circled
Only His light shines through
He has a plan
Its detail unknown
He always blesses
A chance to atone
Remember the time
I saw her at first
My friends in awe
Quickly dispersed
Her beauty is unrivaled
No one can compare
Not even the heavens
Nor stars in the air
Charlie would say
I was just a wall flower
But who would have known
She would be my sunflower
Her beauty lies deeper
Than makeup and hair
Love so innocent and pure
So scared to share
Grateful for time that was spent
Feelings and emotions
Never to be meant
I can only confess
The happiness she brings
A smile and laugh
Makes my heart sing
It is a tune
Someday will end
A special song
Forever playing in my head
Never forget
Touch of her skin
A kiss on her neck
As she lay in my bed

My first comment on someone's poem, so take everything with a (sizeable) grain of salt.

I think the rhyme scheme modification has served this poem well. I can relate to some of the emotions you're expressing. Something that I would try to address is subtlety. Many of the experencies you're channelling are very strong (many things are absoulte: her beauty is unrivaled, song playing forever in your head, etc) and that comes through in your writing, but I think you should embrace some gray-area in what you are felling, if that makes any sense.