Hi metalfan,
You've got a few lines here you can work with. Here are some comments for you:
While all lines need to be good, your opening line has to surpass everything even the close. It has to draw us in.
We leapt into the abyssal void isn't your best choice. First off void in all its forms is fairly predictable in poetry. You also introduce a We that you never develop. It may be better to go with your second line.
(slight adjustment) Our machines had forsaken us
Okay now that's a cool start. Science wasn't the path after all, and we're moving back toward something more primal.
I'd suggest keeping your concepts together though:
Example:
Our machines had forsaken us
Born of the thunderclap
A creation of space-time
Electricity returns to Jupiter's palm
I haven't bothered to punctuate which you could do yourself. I'd concentrate less on the buffet of deities and develop what they do more in the poem.
I'm not sure if this helps much, but I don't want to overdo the advice in this forum. Let me know if I can clarify more or help.
Best,
Todd
You've got a few lines here you can work with. Here are some comments for you:
While all lines need to be good, your opening line has to surpass everything even the close. It has to draw us in.
We leapt into the abyssal void isn't your best choice. First off void in all its forms is fairly predictable in poetry. You also introduce a We that you never develop. It may be better to go with your second line.
(slight adjustment) Our machines had forsaken us
Okay now that's a cool start. Science wasn't the path after all, and we're moving back toward something more primal.
I'd suggest keeping your concepts together though:
Example:
Our machines had forsaken us
Born of the thunderclap
A creation of space-time
Electricity returns to Jupiter's palm
I haven't bothered to punctuate which you could do yourself. I'd concentrate less on the buffet of deities and develop what they do more in the poem.
I'm not sure if this helps much, but I don't want to overdo the advice in this forum. Let me know if I can clarify more or help.
Best,
Todd
(08-26-2013, 07:29 AM)metalfan91 Wrote: We leapt into the abyssal void
Where our machines have forsaken us
Searing in the altered atmosphere
Monolithic, the pyramid Metropolis sags as it bleeds itself
The embalmed lithosphere crumbles in Marduk's horrid roar
Electricity returns to Jupiter's palm
Born of the thunderclap creation of Space-time
Chronicles are lost to the tidal force of Tlaloc
Gaia absorbs her oils and heals the malnourished soil
As the gods of Man reclaim Earth
Yahweh sighs as other Creators mourn a much-scorned experiment
And yet some see the Genesis of a new world in Humanity's lament...
...Where all will be gods
--------------------------
Tlaloc - Aztec water deity
Gaia - Greek earth //
Jupiter - Roman sky //
Marduk - Babylonian //
Yahweh - Hebrew creator //
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson