08-26-2013, 09:04 AM
The spacing of the lines in this piece, the lack of punctuation and capitalization, as well as sentence structure nearly ruined this poem for me. I do think that you have established the framework for a portrait of a very disturbed woman. Good job with that! 
You need to explore the cause of this further, as 'you Man' is cop-out to the readers. I like the spider metaphor, but some other wording than the over-used terms would improve it. e.g., ‘…your bristled fingers, like an arachnid’s spinnerets, stitch something unnatural there…’ (you get the drift). 'Feel the beat' of any of those beautiful things do not seem appropriate for this undeserving man. Combine the advice of all your reviewers thus far and edit your poem. Always keep at it. Most of my work posted here was edited multiple times before and after posting. Good luck! 
You need to explore the cause of this further, as 'you Man' is cop-out to the readers. I like the spider metaphor, but some other wording than the over-used terms would improve it. e.g., ‘…your bristled fingers, like an arachnid’s spinnerets, stitch something unnatural there…’ (you get the drift). 'Feel the beat' of any of those beautiful things do not seem appropriate for this undeserving man. Combine the advice of all your reviewers thus far and edit your poem. Always keep at it. Most of my work posted here was edited multiple times before and after posting. Good luck!
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris