08-26-2013, 07:25 AM
(I used cidermaid's comment to ctrl-v this because I agree that the spacing is unecessary.)
Blood Strong opening, but I think the third "blood" needs to go
I have blood
blood on my thighs
Mother Nature’s fingerprint
pressed hard to that space between my legs
that secret place
that dark place This gives "that place" a confounding, mystifying quality - nice.
and you
you Man "you" again is a little ham-fisted
will make me ashamed of that blood
ashamed of Mother Nature’s fingerprint Good, not great, use of repitition. Maybe if you replaced the last stanza with this and reworded as a sort of resolution
ashamed of that secret place
you will have me feel
it is a place for your hands
yet also for no one
a land free
yet a land imprisoned Great image. Let me suggest replacing "it is" with "I am" to make it more personal. Also you can extend the "land free, yet.." metaphor. Like a fertile, lush island that is cut off from the rest of the world by treacherous waters.
that secret place
is my own
a place on my body
like my hands
like my eyes
like my tongue
take them My favorite stanza. A well-placed and well-executed metaphor.
collect them in a bag
because you think
your creeping hands
like spiders
can spin their web
in that place
but you
you Man
take that place
and feel the beat of my hands
and feel the beat of my eyes
and feel the beat of my tongue I admire the concept of this stanza, it asserts the speakers prescence, but it is awkward that the eyes and tongue are beating. Perhaps a different verb for each next time.
you Man
are not strong enough The "you Man" is slighty irritating, but that may just be a bias on my part. Nonetheless I think the ending is rather weak.
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Plenty of great ideas in this one, yet the execution could be improved. Thanks for the read and good luck with this piece.
-Daniel
Blood Strong opening, but I think the third "blood" needs to go
I have blood
blood on my thighs
Mother Nature’s fingerprint
pressed hard to that space between my legs
that secret place
that dark place This gives "that place" a confounding, mystifying quality - nice.
and you
you Man "you" again is a little ham-fisted
will make me ashamed of that blood
ashamed of Mother Nature’s fingerprint Good, not great, use of repitition. Maybe if you replaced the last stanza with this and reworded as a sort of resolution
ashamed of that secret place
you will have me feel
it is a place for your hands
yet also for no one
a land free
yet a land imprisoned Great image. Let me suggest replacing "it is" with "I am" to make it more personal. Also you can extend the "land free, yet.." metaphor. Like a fertile, lush island that is cut off from the rest of the world by treacherous waters.
that secret place
is my own
a place on my body
like my hands
like my eyes
like my tongue
take them My favorite stanza. A well-placed and well-executed metaphor.
collect them in a bag
because you think
your creeping hands
like spiders
can spin their web
in that place
but you
you Man
take that place
and feel the beat of my hands
and feel the beat of my eyes
and feel the beat of my tongue I admire the concept of this stanza, it asserts the speakers prescence, but it is awkward that the eyes and tongue are beating. Perhaps a different verb for each next time.
you Man
are not strong enough The "you Man" is slighty irritating, but that may just be a bias on my part. Nonetheless I think the ending is rather weak.
------------------------------------------
Plenty of great ideas in this one, yet the execution could be improved. Thanks for the read and good luck with this piece.
-Daniel