More than Once upon a Hillock

[ChristopherSea]

Hi there, christopher,
just a quick drive-by as the revisions seen to be coming along nicely, and Milo seems to have /most/ of it covered.



Apollo rode the lesser azimuths,
his chariot streaming hues.

Drop hues, or describe the hues. his chariot streaming is stronger than his chariot streaming hues. Hues is just weakening the verb here. It reads like his chariot streaming colors. Bleh.

We were scions of Demeter,

I think this would be stronger with the definite article in place of were:

We, The Scions of Demeter

Then you could also drop the gerund, and strengthen the verb in the following line:

negotiated leaf veins


as if each were a wing of one crow

or twin larvae sharing a chrysalis,

Are /each/ a pair of twins, or a half of the /pair/?:

or larvae twins sharing a..



as we derided honking geese

In all these generations of poetry, have we not yet found a /new/ way to say /honking/ geese?

that wing in obligatory echelons,

Obligatory serves no purpose but to force me to choke on my tongue.

Great job revising so far.

Raucus geese works!