Delete all Images. Edit 1. Hmmm.

[billy]

this version reads better than the cleave version.
for me there are some disconnects, i know what's being said but don't see how you get to that part. i think still has a way to go tom. it feels like it's trying hard to tell the story and in doing so, losing the heart of the thing. it is good to see you try a different style

I watched an old man taking pictures
mountains,trees and summer skies. something needs to connect this and the line above
I watched a child cry for attention;
screams and tantrums, tight-squeezed eyes. here you us the semi colon, why not use it above as well ?
Which memory will last a lifetime?
Fading photos, sobbing years?

The old man stopped and smiled benignly,
turned his lens towards the sun; i hope he had a filter on
there on the pavement danced a circle,
ring of brightness, dancing fun. where did the circle come from? are these kids dancing?
Who will claim the greatest pleasure
now that they have swapped a tear? where did they swap a tear

The infant chased the dodging day glow
laughing at each twist and play;
in rheumy eyes a swell of recall,
rising joy of happier days.
Old man too late to capture memories,
child too young to know that fear.

The sun slipped sudden, clouds occluding.
The game was over, brightness gone;
a click of shutter held the second,
boy and man, yet strangely one.
One, because each shared the moment,
and in that instant all was clear.
tectak
Harestanes
2013
Original.
I watched an old man taking pictures...mountains,trees and summer skies.
I watched a child cry for attention...screams and tantrums, tight-squeezed eyes.
Which memories will last a lifetime...fading photos, sobbing years?

The old man stopped and smiled benignly...turned his lens towards the sun
and on the pavement danced a circle...ring of brightness, dancing fun.
Who will claim the greatest pleasure...now that they have swapped a tear?

The infant chased the dodging day glow...laughing at each twist and play;
in rheumy eyes a swell of memories...rising recalls, happier days.
Old man too late to capture moments...child too young to know that fear.

The sun slipped sudden, clouds occluding... the game was up, the brightness gone;
a click of shutter held the second...boy and man, yet strangely one.
One, because each shared the moment...and in that instant all was clear.
tectak
Harestanes
2013